The day was finally here - the long anticipated Epic Battle of the Sexes was about begin. MulliganPatty and NancyDup had made a steady diet out of the male members in the club since throwing down the Battle of the Sexes challenge earlier in the year. Sean and I found ourselves at the tee box of the 1^st hole at Royal St George, absently staring at the pink starter putters in our golf bags wondering what the heck we had signed on for?  Equally disturbing was the sight of each of us, dressed in pink shorts and white blouses, Sean sporting a brunette ponytail and me with a blonde ponytail. While we have engaged in several matches for print as chronicled in previous Sandbox stories, never was there so much on the line as now. The possibility of never being able to show our faces in the Skype Chatroom without ridicule, not to mention all of the potential comments and snide, hurtful remarks in any future WGT matches, the murmurings throughout the ranks of WGT about the 2 clowns that chose to challenge the women and came up woefully short would spread like wildfire. We looked at each other and without saying a word, acknowledged that perhaps we had bitten off more than we could chew.

 

  It was at that point we noticed Patty, looking particularly smart in pink print shorts with a white top and matching golf shoes and Nancy wearing a equally stunning purple and black outfit approaching the tee. Sean shot me a look that said “We are out dressed.” As if she were a shark sensing blood in the water Patty commented “You girls look fine in your little pink outfits. Are you ready for this?” Sean clamored “Why do I have to be 1^st to tee off” to which Patty bellowed “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, just take your beating like Tina Turner did.” She then proceeded to launch a mammoth center cut drive and strut away commenting “You’re up Sean or Seanetta or whatever your name is.” Sean to his credit, with knee’s knocking, was able to muster an acceptable drive albeit 35 yards short of Big Mama’s cannon shot and in the 1^st cut of rough. Clearly irritated, Seanetta complained that he was affected adversely because his bra was chaffing him on the backswing.

 

  The match was afoot and I found myself ridiculously nervous standing over my approach shot to the heavily bunkered, seriously undulating elevated green, thinking “do these pink shorts make my butt look fat?” Steeling myself for the long iron approach, I was able to somehow create the proper hip turn through my ball and found the green, leaving my sister-in-arms an 18 foot bender from hell. Team Estrogen was able to easily win the hole aided by a superb approach from Dup.

Off to the second tee Patty and Nancy were striding forward with considerable pep in their steps, buoyed with confidence after going 1 up on the very 1^st hole, Seanetta muttering something about getting the stuffing beat out of us. Trying to lighten the mood I commented “Did you all notice the pretty flowers in the Ladies room? I think they’re lilacs, my fav.” This proved to be a futile attempt to lighten things up, if anything it was more fuel for the fire. Nancy not to be out done by big Mama’s driving or either of the two of us, crushed a huge drive down the dog leg left hole. Clearly intimidated as well as out gunned, I drove meekly, nearly avoiding the bunkers but leaving Seanetta with a long, long iron into the postage stamp size green. Heading to my weak drive, I couldn’t help but think we were in a world of trouble as Nancy’s ball looked like a star from a distant galaxy way up the fairway. 

 

  Seanetta mentioned something about how cold it was and how perky her chest seemed to be, which had Nancy and Patty cackling instantly. Irritated with my drive I barked “Hit the ball, Lumpy.” Sean’s fairway shot couldn’t be stopped and his ball rolled to the furthest part of the green missing the fringe by inches. My emotions were welling up inside me. I could only scream “Nice on Girlfriend, could you have left me a longer putt, Hun?” Patty was able to hit her wedge shot in tight giving Nancy a good look at birdie. Addressing my putt, I could only stare at my pink putter and the 42 foot - 17 down putt facing me and wonder where in the hell would the ball would come to rest. My worst nightmare was about to unfold in short order. My putt blew by the hole and came to rest after a long trickle down the false front of the green to a mere 18 feet from the hole. Sean ever the master putter that he is, rolled a great putt to within a few feet, having negotiated the long putt with sheer style and grace. Ready to pounce, Nancy quickly sized up her short putt for birdie and drilled her ball into the bottom of the cup. Kaboooooom - 2 down through 2 holes Nancy and Patty strutting like Prom Queens cracked “Seanetta, you’re getting your groove on now.” This could only get worse.

 

  Things appeared to be completely out of sorts for the 2 outclassed cross dressing gender benders. The glances being thrown at each other were not in an appreciative manner anymore. We had to do something drastic. Sizing up the Par 3 – 3^rd hole, we stood by and watched Patty launch her ball far right of the cup, but onto the green. We grinned…here’s our chance. Seanetta cinched up his shorts and sent his ball flying…up….up….and….over the flag pin….long. Putts from both sides resulted in a tie and the game was sent to the 4^th hole.

 

  Seanetta caught up to Nancy as we walked to the 4^th tee and I could hear some “girl-talk” going on, but didn’t quite catch the gist of it. As Nancy teed off, I asked him what that was all about and he winked at me…”Strategy, girlfriend…just a little strategy.” His turn at the tee, Seanetta deftly launched his drive with full top-spin, catching the downslope of the hill and we all watched his ball sail past Nancy’s. “THAT’S what I’M talkin’ about!” I yelled and the two women shot me some glares that could ice an Ecuadorian in the middle of summer. We all silently watched Patty’s approach shot hit the middle of the sloping green and STOP! Sean had left me with a middle iron shot so with a slight waggle of my hips, I nailed the green and let the ball roll up on the cup within 2 yards. “WOO HOOOO” hooted Seanetta! Nancy made a fine attempt to drill the cup, but the break was just too much. Sean stepped up and finished the hole with a birdie.

 

Walking to the 5^th tee, he turned to me…”We got them on the run now; let’s get this done before this chaffing becomes unbearable.” I said, “I told you to try some of that powder before you strapped that thing on.” Full of confidence now, I stepped up to the tee of the long par 5 – 5^th hole and caught the sweet spot of my 3 wood, followed my ball to the left corner of the landing area, reached down and picked up my purse and sashayed back to the group, who were busy chattering away like a bunch of hens. Patty stepped up and launched her drive just right of mine…”Nice Drive, Mamma” I said, to which she simply smiled. After negotiating the approach shots onto the green, it became obvious that Sean and I had another opportunity here. Nancy missed her putt for birdy and Seanetta applied his “Carpe Diem” and drilled another birdie putt to make the match even.

 

This time, as we walked to the 6^th tee, the par 3 aptly known as "The Maiden", we observed Nancy and Patty quietly discussing something and could see both girls wildly gesturing as they talked. I turned to Sean and said, “You know, these outfits aren’t really so bad, they just take some getting used to, is all.” He smiled and responded, “Yeah, but this bra is just too much…how do they wear those things?” I laughed and said “Take the damn thing off and go commando.”

 

  That was all well and good but getting ready to tee off, the wind shifted directions and I noticed Nancy’s perfume for time……OMG she smelled better than Sean….LOL a lot better… This was getting more difficult by the hole. As if sensing my disorientation Seanetta gave me a hug and said “Fairways and greens, that’s the ticket girlfriend.” And she proved to be right…as usual. The 6^th hole proved to be a defining hole for us with fine drives onto the green by both sides, however, following a narrow miss by the new legend Patty and a ho hum birdie by the blonde from Arizona with the cute ponytail, we suddenly found ourselves 1-up after battling back from a 2 hole deficit.

 

Hole7, a long 482 yd par 5, while fiercely competitive, interspersed with good natured jabs, resulted in rather routine pars for both sides and as we trudged on to the next tee, Sean and I could hear the girls chattering about extra holes.

 

Extra holes however, was not to be. With a favorable wind at her back Seanetta blistered a center cut long drive while Patty found the 30/40 spinach that lies adjacent to the fairway on the 8^th hole. Dup to her credit, was able to blast out of the vegetation and onto the green, however, woefully short of the pin leaving Patty a lengthy and seriously uphill right to left putt. Knowing that if I could hit a decent approach shot, Seanetta could bring home the bacon or was it save our bacon ….whatever….I was able to hit a short iron because of Sean’s gargantuan drive and my approach shot landed and stuck close to the pin. For the first time since starting this match all seemed right in the world. Patty, not one to lie down easily, negotiated the slope like a true legend angling her putter towards Dublin and hit a tremendous putt within a couple of  feet of the cup. VVNR, N1 and 0000000000 VNB rang out from the three members. As if sensing the tide was about to turn, Patty mumbled “Could have been better”. Seanetta like the true Legend she is, studied her putt for almost a full 90 seconds before draining the 6 footer. The hole was tied!

 

   As we made our way to the 9^th and final tee, Patty let loose with “You know if we had wanted to win, we would have made you use starter balls instead of those Goodwill outfits and pink putters!” Hurting inside from her caustic remark, I split the fairway and went deep. Patty hit a fine drive to which Dup bellowed “Nice straight one!” Sean laughing said “no mine’s curved!!!”  And so the 4 smartly dressed golfers began the march down the final fairway. Approach shots from Sean and Nancy found the green both within 20 feet of the cup. Two nice rolls set up routine pars and that was that. Sean and I had pulled off a stunner in a match for the ages. As we were bouncing up and down congratulating ourselves looking for the whole world like Bob Skinn’s Jack Russell’s when he and the Boss come home with a doggie bag, Patty announced “The real women still win! We forced you to wear those silly outfits and gave you the match of your life!” Not sure whether to cry or celebrate, off to the 19^th hole we went for a round of Berry Bellini’s and a discussion of what great fun we had and when we could do this again.